cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
