when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
