we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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