I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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