Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
