i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
