how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
