Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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