i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
