Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
