He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Found your dick twin last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
