guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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