I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
