The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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