I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
