Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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