I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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