he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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