Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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