my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
