elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
