I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
