Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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