they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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