OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
