i already hear my dad disowning me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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