Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
