I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
