So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The uberlube is also flammable
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have already put on my inside pants.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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