If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
