He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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