i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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