Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
