saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
