I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
