There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
