I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
