I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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