I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
