fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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