A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
