and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you inspire me to be a worse person
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
