I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
