You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
