I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
