remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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