I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
3 2 1 whiskey
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Randomize
