After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
