walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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