no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
