My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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