My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
